My Past and Present

Everyone have their secrets.

Don’t deny it, we all have our deepest darkest secret lay deep down in our hearts.

Like how all of us have a past. Good or bad, it’s all a perspective.

I might seem like a happy go lucky person, cheerful and all. Which I’m to a certain extend now.
But of course, I’ve my dark emo side too.

And here I’ve a confession to make.

I was once suicidal.

Well, I actually did not have the guts to go all the way out, always reserving some of that energy when cutting myself.

During that time, I’ll often try to cut myself but the cut is never deep enough. Trying to jump off the window but my brother always pull me back. (It always happened after a quarrel) Thank god I did not try it when I’m home alone. I think 4th floor might cause me to be paralyze rather than death. Popping like 10-20 different kind of pills at one go. I now know that that’s not enough for an over dosage. Trying to drown myself in a pail of water or trying to suffocate myself by strangling etc.

Thinking back, I was just being stupid. Like I could die doing all that.

Then, I moved on to simply inflicting pain on myself. Whenever I’m in a state of uncontrollable emotions, I will knock my head on the wall, pinching myself, bites myself or anything that will allow me to feel pain. It’s like an addiction of pain. And only pain can calm me down.

I think it’s also what become of my high tolerance for pain nowadays.

My point is we have all gone through a certain low point in our lives. Some might be more lucky that they never had the need to think about suicide or what’s not and just cry about spilled ice cream.
But there’s are many who faced problems that lead them to hurting themselves.

I’ve got my fair share of being bullied and bullying others. It’s normal when you get bullied either you continue to get bullied or you stand up and bully others instead to stop people from bullying you. Of course, it’s wrong. And hey I did not keep it to myself, I told my mother who told my teachers and nope, problem not solved ultimately. I got ostracized, a ‘friend’ told me she was friendly with me as she pitied me. Oh thanks, that was really nice.

I was glad that sense somehow made its way to me and I stopped doing all the hurtful things to myself. Yes, the problem is there and I will do no good by hurting myself. It’s not like with every cut I make on myself the problem will slowly go away. Why should I end my life? I will make my life a better one than all those who have a part in the horrible elements of my earlier life. Not that I’m that old but you get my drift.

I’m probably not living a life that many would envy but at least I’m content. I’ve friends who genuinely care about me. I’ve got some recognition in the things that I’m passionate about. I’m a much happier person. Though sadly, my main problem comes from the family. Blood ties you can’t break simply. Occasional outbreak, but I’ve learnt to not make a din. Keeping quiet is a virtue. And it’s also a preventive measure. Although there are still times when things got overboard.

Even when you’re down, don’t let the unhappy things follow you to the next day. A brand new day means a brand new start and we have got to start positive. If we allow negativity from previous day to follow, it will only accumulate more and more. So people, lets do ourselves a favour. Do not care about what people think of you, as long as you are happy, that’s enough.


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7 Responses to My Past and Present

  1. Ju Ann October 18, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

    Hey Joyce, thanks for sharing. Jia you ok! Here’s to happiness and positivity in life!

    • forensia October 18, 2012 at 9:05 pm #

      Thanks dear!

  2. Ruiting October 18, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

    Hey… I have always thought you look really sweet and happy but anyway, thanks for this post. I think it is really insightful from someone who went through that path before. Glad that you are thinking positive now! Cheers!

    • forensia October 18, 2012 at 9:05 pm #

      Hi Ruiting!

      Thanks! I’m indeed a much happier person now and I’m glad that’s what people think of me. XD

      Cheers to happiness in life!!

  3. Clarence. October 19, 2012 at 12:48 am #

    wow. i think its really brave of you to share all this with everyone. i think everyone has a dark side.. i’m glad to hear that you’ve gotten over yours. 😀 Live life with positivity!

  4. forest330 October 19, 2012 at 1:06 am #

    To be honest, the recent Amanda Todd incident made me share this. Hopefully it can make some sense into people who are like the old me. 🙂

  5. anonymous March 5, 2013 at 7:04 pm #

    heads up – nobody can make you feel bad about yourself unless you allow them to. i was once like this too (actually i think i still am…. i still occasionally hurt myself when things are really bad).. people like us can take a lot of shit and i think this makes us stronger than the ones who try to put us down.nnwe’re really quite alike and have very similar family problems. i’ve given you my real email addy so you should know who i am and have my number if you need a ear sometimes *hugs*

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